Grounded and Grounding

I've decided I'm grounded for the Winter. That's all there is to it. I've had weeks, months of socializing and running around the state catching up with friends and family, dancing, raucous partying. That's right: raucous! I've been away awhile; it was necessary. I also had high hopes and loose plans for a road trip this Fall before the weather turns particularly nasty, as only Eastern Winters can. There are dear friends, old and new, "real life" and not-yet-met-in-the-flesh friends, that I'm eager to meet and are clamoring (yes, I said clamoring damnit!) to meet me.

But alas, what began as a little run-down feeling a few weeks back has escalated into intense fatigue, which I'm attributing to this chronic Lyme thing I got going (though this doesn't feel like a typical flare up, thank gods. It's not that bad). It feels like what I imagine it would feel like to wear a cement suit: everything, every limb, is heavy and hard to move. Making tea, doing the dishes, walking to the mailbox- eh, fuck it, the mail can wait 'til tomorrow- is an act of will that will require a goodly chunk of resting, maybe even napping afterward, on the couch or whatever piece of furniture I happen to land on when I can't get to the couch. It's not just that I'm tired or don't feel like going out or vacuuming my floor. It's hard to imagine this kind of fatigue, I know, and you probably can't, but take my word for it: if you're a basically healthy human, when you say tired and I say fatigue, we are not talking about the same thing. They don't even live in the same country.

On top of this fugue of fatigue, I've had an growing urge to nest combined with a looooong overdue upswell of creative energy and a deliciously ambiguous desire to focus on me, some things in my life that have been needing attention. Essentially, I've been neglecting my primary partner, me,  for social outings, responsibilities, bad TV (okay, not ALL bad. Flashforward was pretty meaty), people in crisis that neeeed me and a wild flurry of falling in and out of love and lust online. I'm over it. It's time for me to come home, hang with my main girl and really, deeply listen to her for awhile, give her what she needs and wants. Nurture her. I'm ready to fall madly in love with me again, recommit to this unique, messy, interesting creature whose life I find myself living this time around.

It feels good, not forced, and it's convenient that it coincides with Fall, which always heralds a yummy urge to slow down and look inside, and this spell of exhaustion is almost handy, in a way. It’s making it easier to keep myself from sneaking out the window at night.  If I was feeling bouncy and energy-rich, I'd continue to kid myself into thinking I can do it all. The trap there is that the introspection, meditation, journaling, self-massage (hell yes that's a euphamism!), etc. end up getting bumped when I don't have the energy after a night on the town and two hours on the phone with a friend in crisis who only calls when he's in crisis and then never, absolutely ever listens to a word I say. A friend who then proceeds to go back to doing exactly what he's been doing for years that got him into the crisis to begin with. Note: "Ever" practically applies in this case, because I've known him most of my life    (If this is you and you're reading this, I love you. And you know it's true, dude. And I really do love you, sweetie. You just need to call someone else over the next few weeks or so, 'cause I'm pulling in my shingle for awhile).

I'm burnt out, I'm nearly broke and I'm enjoying spending time with my best girl (again, that would be moi) and getting mouthy in writing. I'm officially grounding myself until I can learn to have a little more discipline, get more rest, get better at saying "no", and get those last few boxes in the shed unpacked. For starters.

I was deeply disappointed when I first began to admit to myself that this was indeed the right thing to do. I want to take this trip, see my Dad, meet people, snuggle with my dear old friends, see New England in the Fall. And the small, clear voice inside me says, "I didn't say 'no', I just said 'not now'." And it's right, I know it's right. I'm getting over the disappointment, which is good, 'cause then I'll be better able to deal with the disappointment of others. But I know they'll ultimately understand, that after the groaning and questions are done, they'll support me in taking care of myself. ‘Cause my friends rock.

But I am going to the party this weekend. Just because I'm not up for driving across country doesn't mean I'm never leaving the house. I'm just cutting way, way, waaaaay back. It's all about priorities baby. I can handle it. I can do just one, I promise. I mean, I can totally quit anytime I want. I just don't want to. Yet.

Oh, I am soooo grounded....     \

*artwork by Mara Friedman "In Autumn's Womb"