Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives. ~Rumi
I'm often surprised by how people are surprised by my level of gratitude. Even when the proverbial shit is hitting the fan, I'm usually experiencing and expressing some degree of gratitude. There was a time even I might have looked at me now and been surprised. But these days it's become such a part of my outlook, I'm often like: what? Big deal. Yeah I'm grateful AND I'm crushed, scared, unsure, angry, and lost. And grateful. All at once. Neato, huh?
I credit this to years of daily gratitude practice. One of my first teachers used to have me do this when I was feeling sorry for myself: open the refrigerator door, stand there and say, "Thank you for the mayonnaise. Thank you for the apples. Thank you for the eggs. Thank you for the soy sauce. Thank you for the bell pepper (but I'm allergic! Say it anyway...). Thank you for the moldy bread." Okay, maybe not the moldy bread. But then again, maybe. It's all in how you look at it. There was a time I was so hungry, I would've eaten that fuzzy semi-sentient mass in the corner (seriously- you don't even wanna know!). But now, I am blessed with such an abundance, I can just throw it on the compost pile and resolve to not let it get moldy next time.
Later, other pain in the ass teachers had me do things like make gratitude lists, thank people for teaching me through adversity, look for gifts in every wound, yadda yadda yadda. It's sometimes tedious when I'm just getting a good run of suffering going to toss some gratitude in the soup, but it always helps loosen things up a bit, balance things out some. After all, there's rarely ALL curses or ALL blessings happening at any given time.
This may sound like a lotta silly frilly nonsense, but it works. Go ahead, keep shying away because you're too cool. You can hang onto your victimhood as long as you like. If that mojo is still workin for you, keep at it. Me, I got tired.
And I tell you this- this kind of silly frilly shit has saved my life over and over again. The simple little magics that I thought were ridiculous and silly and way, waaaaay beneath me; these things have been my salvation. I was finally so tired that I didn't have the energy to be too cool for anything. I got smarter, way more foolish and a helluva lot more alive and okayish.
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| Ye Olde Gratitude Onion |
These are the ways of radical trust and gratitude. This is the kind of gratitude practice that takes it far beyond Polly Anna style "everything's groovy and I'm gonna plaster a smile on my face". This is gratitude that coexists quite nicely next to terror, pain and full on raging rebellion. Yes, I will have it all, thank you very much.
The path I came to embrace (when I wasn't running screaming from it) is one of radical inclusion, radical living, radical showing up for every nuance of what's actually there, as much as possible. No pretending. Sometimes a little acting for the purpose of practice, but acting is not lying to oneself or anyone else- acting is conscious, honest playing. Not the same thing as faking with the intention of fooling.
So, here I am- In my worst moments, I'm grateful I have a heart to break, 'cause there was a time I could feel almost nothing and walked around in a daze of foggy numbed out survivitude wondering what the point was. I'm so so so grateful for a fully functioning emotional life, that I can feel a range of things on a daily basis and that I have language for those things and people who speak it with me.
I'm still living with this Lyme disease thing, in pain most days, exhausted almost every day and still grateful. I can be mad and whiny and hurting and still be grateful.In my worst moments, I'm grateful for the ability to walk, even though it hurts like hell- at least I'm off the couch and I still have this body to maneuver. We're in bodies such a short time. Even a hurting body is better than no body, which will come soon enough. Though honestly, at some of my worster times I have not thought a hurting body was better and I just wanted out, but that was while ago, and a rare and especially horrible time- a time for which I am now grateful. It taught me a lot, but mostly I'm just grateful not to be there right now. This pain is just a nuisance, but it's also a precious, if fierce, teacher.
There's more. Oh, so much more. I don't even know what I'm expressing gratitude TO. And it doesn't matter. The benefits are mine and undeniable. That's what counts in my world. Does it work? Meaning, does it bring me closer to where I want to be in terms of my living and feeling and being? Then I don't care how silly it may seem. If it helps me, I'm in.
Here's my gratitude list for today:
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have awesome new jeans and don't have to shop again for another six months. Woot!
I am fed and warm (but not too warm).
I have coffee and the means to make me some.
I have time to write and I'm using it.
I have things to say and I'm willing to be a fool and say them. Out loud. Where people can hear me.
I have so very very much love in my life. I'm grateful to be able to explore the many facets of those loves without having to consider the affects on someone else. For this reason and others, it's really amazingly wonderful to be single.
I'm grateful for the state of homelessness at this point in my life, as it affords me profound freedom.
I'm profoundly grateful for all the people that say, "don't leave", "stay as long as you like", "come back soon", when for years all I heard was "get. the. fuck. out." and "lose my number". I was a mess. Jeeze- I love that mess I was, but it's so wonderful to be cherished and fought over. There was a time I thought the day would never come and I'm still regularly stunned to be wanted in such a way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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| and dark in the light.... |
I am grateful for a heart that breaks, a body that aches, a soul that longs, dreams that are as long and deep as the ocean, that will never ever be fully satisfied in one lifetime. Boredom? Really?!?!
I'm grateful for brown eyes that make me forget what I was going to say when I look into them. I'm grateful that this can still amaze and humble me (I wonder if you will read this and I will be yet further humbled...).
I'm glad to be so easily amused, entertained, moved and awed. I see magic everywhere.
I'm grateful for the people who made me make silly gratitude lists, as a way to remind me to keep balanced in the midst of challenge. They taught me to see the whole truth, which isn't just about what's hard (or denying that), but also what's working, what's beautiful. They taught me that it's all lifey and that's what it's all about- showing up for the real. I'm grateful for my own willingness to do silly things, to be teachable.
There's a woman in a group I admin on Facebook who's regularly posting snippets of gratitude. It's been a beautiful reminder. Thank you Cari. I'm grateful for your new found friendship and the way your living ripples out and affects mine in such a beautiful way. You are the inspiration for this post.
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| The Daddy Shirt |
Thank you for my car and my sleeping bag.
Thank you for vitamins.
Thank you for puppy smell.
Thank you for the Daddy shirt that makes me smile.
Thank you for my son and his lovely love.
I'm grateful for all of you and this amazing connection we share. Thanks for being part of my universe and letting me co-create in yours. We pretty much rock.
