Fat Girl Running #3: Rolling with the Punches

In Which I Share Why I Like Running and How it Feels to be Forbidden to Do It... *sigh* 


Why I'm liking exercise, specifically running:

7) I can finally say, "I'm a runner" and mean something positive by it
6) It gets me outside for at least a half hour+ a day.
5) I'm learning lessons about focus and pushing through discomfort that are helping me in other areas of my life.
4) My mood improves all day after.
3) I love the high I get after 10 minutes or so of cardio.
2) I sleep better! (The value of this is not to be underestimated. To think there was a time I took a decent night sleep for granted.)

AND FINALLY (drum roll please....) the number 1 reason I like running: 

1) I feel a great sense of accomplishment after I've done it.
In other words: It makes me feel like a WARRIOR BADASS.

My warrior badass self is a little grumpy these days. It has been grounded, cut off, forbidden to run. DAMNIT.

It started with a mild knee pain last Thursday. I say “knee pain”, but it’s the tendon below and to the left of my right knee (a diagragm here might be helpful, but hang in there with me). I think it’s my patellar ligament. I ran on Friday anyway, thinking it was maybe just a little soreness, but that made it worse. I went out of town Saturday, taking my running gear with me hoping to run in the city with a friend, but the pain was worse by the time I got there on Saturday.

“Okay, “ I thought gamely (pun completely intended), I’ll take a break for a day or two and get back on schedule.

But alas, 'twas not to be. It was so sore over the weekend that even sitting in place on a cushy bed hurt. Walking hurt. It was clear that running would not only be no damn fun, but...well... probably stupid, maybe even damaging.

I'd been putting arnica on it, icing it and my friend gave me something called “canabalm”- made with marijuana (good for inflamation) and lemon balm (which I'm sure has medicinal properties in a balm, but I don't care- the smell of lemon balm, especially on a winters night is *orgasmically heavenly*. I would roll in it if I had enough).

All to no obvious avail.

I had a doctor appt this morning. She prescribed physical therapy, exercises and a knee brace, told me to continue what I'm doing with the icing and such. And no running or hardwalking for now. Period.

These cows in particular- I KNOW
they miss me!
(I'll be back Lucy and Ethel! Don't worry!)

Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn ad nauseum.....

I'm surprised at how much I miss the rush. It’s only been six days off, but I miss it for all the reasons I've listed above and more. I'm quite sure the cows I greet every day that I run by are sad and wondering if I'm okay. I'm more tired, I'm certainly not as up beat, and I feel like a slug. My artist is getting more time, but my warrior badass self is pacing the perimeter of the room, grumbling about pussies and whiners, looking for something to punch. Which usually happens via my words. Shit.

So here I sit- grounded for the nonce. I'm only a little sore today, but I'm not pushing it. Floor exercises- Pfththtttt! But fine. Whatever. I need to come up with some that will work up a sweat, so I can get the warrior badass to take a nap.

The best laid plans... I've not given up by any means. I'm on the bench, but I'm not out of the game. I still have plenty of time to be ready for the Atalanta 5K Walk and Run in June.

'Scuse me while I got loll around on the floor, try to be in the moment and I look out the windows at the beautiful winter storm that has finally blown in.

Fat Girl Running #2: Resources (Unasked For Advice Does Not Qualify)

In Which I Share the Schedule, the Website From Whence it Came, 

                                                      and in Which I Digress, Repeatedly...

One of the reasons I'm writing about being a beginning runner (see “Fat Girl Running #1 for others) is because it's an interesting process. I imagine being an advance runner is too- we'll see when they get there. Running is analogous to lots of things we do in life that aren't easy, but have payoff. I'm learning a lot about myself. Like many worthwhile things, it's sometimes hard. I could use some caring witnesses, I could use some support.

An Egret Watches Me Trot By

I do not - I REPEAT- I do not need advice. I have great guidance and I'm being smart. I've already had enough of people telling me why "it's not a good idea". Thanks for your concern, or whatever it is, but please keep it to yourself.

(On a side note- I'm finding myself particularly sensitive to unasked for advice lately. I mean, really- if you’re going to offer advice, at least ask more questions first and find out if your advice is even applicable. If you just want to hear yourself talk about how much you know, then start your own damn blog.)
But I digress....again. I used to say “danger” is my middle name, but I'm recently thinking it should be “digression”.

Where was I.... oh, right....

There are several websites out there that will give you programs to follow based on where you're starting and where you want to get to. This is the one I'm using: http://running.about.com/

More information than I can possibly use, on everything from running schedules, when to eat, how to shop for shoes, where to run, posture, to how to lose weight at it. I like the options available in types of programs. They've got a lot of option in terms of running programs and you’re sure to find one that fits your needs. When I looked at the schedule for the “Perpare to Run Your First 5K” , I knew I wasn't ready. The website conveniently told me that the 3 weeks to a 30 Minute Running Habit” program would get me ready for the 5K. Sometimes downgrading is good!

When I had a question about the schedule, I emailed Christine Luff, the creator of said torture regimen, and she responded right away.

And this is all free. All I've spent so far was *mumbledymumble* for shoes and $5 for a kitchen cooking timer. Okay okay- I spent $16 for the shoes. That’s horrible I know- they’re terribly cheap shoes and my feet deserve better, yaddah yaddah, but seriously- the ones I was running with were HORRIBLE and these feel amaaaazing after those. They're mid-grade running shoes that I found an unbelievable deal on. Like I said somewhere else, I promised myself a much better pair of shoes if I stick with it.

I'm sure they make a timer that is just for these type of training programs, something you can program to change the times for you and keep track of your distance, etc. But the kitchen timer works just fine, even if it’s a little bit of a hassle to keep resetting it. If anyone has one of the fancier models that actually made for this, I would be thrilled to take it off your hands!

I could also use some CAKE for my IPod. Just sayin.

Here’s the schedule I'm currently running. For the folks who were concerned I was gonna walk out the door, try to run a marathon and drop dead in the street, you can see that I'm running gradually increasing increments of minutes at a time, alternating with walking. It’s easy cheezy. Really. An almost embarassingly gentle buildup. So you can relax with the permanent damage and death predictions.

My goal is to run a 5K this year. That’s a little over 3 miles and very doable. I used to run 5 miles a few times a week, so 5K? Pfthththtt! Give me a couple months and I’ll be able to do it in my sleep. Better chain me to my bed.

But that’s a whole other kind of training regimen.

Where was I?

Ah....

Here's the training schedule from About.Com. They email my daily assignment to me, but I can also go to the site and see the whole three weeks ahead:

3 Weeks to a 30 Minute Running Habit

Day 1: 1/1 x 10 (Run 1 minute, walk 1 minute, ten times, for a total of 20 minutes.)
Day 2: 1/1 x 10
Day 3: Rest
Day 4: 2/1 x5, then 1/1 x5
Day 5: 2/1 x5, then 1/1 x5
Day 6: Rest
Day 7: 2/1 x6
Day 8: 3/1 x4, then 1/1 x4
Day 9: 2/1 x 6
Day 10: Rest
Day 11: 3/1 x5
Day 12: 2/1 x8
Day 13: Rest
Day 14: 3/1 x5
Day 15: 4/1 x4
Day 16: 2/1 x8
Day 17: 5/1 x4
Day 18: Rest
Day 19: 4/1 x6
Day 20: 2/1 x5
Day 21: 5/1 x5

Today I did day 9. It was harder than yesterday, which makes no logical sense, since yesterday was longer and I did increments of 3 minutes. Today should’ve been easier. But it just wasn’t . Who knows why? I just woke up not-as-good-a-runner as I was yesterday. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up a track star. One of the things living with chronic pain has taught me is, “This is my body today. Now what do I want to do, what can I do, that feels reasonable and lifey given that this is what my body is telling me?” I may have to spend some running days in bed. I just don't know.

But not today. Today I ran my little 2/1 x 6’s and it was hard. But it still felt good to do it. A couple people waved at me today. Maybe they’re FB friends. I couldn't see through the sweat in my eyes. Or maybe they've been watching me do this almost-the-same-route for the past week + and we’re getting to be running buddies of a sort. I don't care really. It was just nice to get a smile and a wave.

Tomorrow, I get a day off. I’ll probably do some walking and stretching. But that’s tomorrow. Tonight I get to go see Phil Donahue and a screening of a documentary he co-produced and Eddie-my-Guru-Vedder did all original music for:

Body of War

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HZuQkITY64.

I <3 Phil. I saw my first polyamorous triad on Phil, a Marilyn Manson interview that changed my life, queers and lesbians galore and so much more. Phil's work changed my life for the better. This is one of the things my Mom got right- exposing me to Phil.

I wonder if Phil is a runner?

Fat Girl Running #1: Starting Somewhere

In Which We Have Words About Words And 

                                       I Come Out as a Hardcore Beginner

Today was day 8 of my “running” program (I keep using the quotes, even when I'm talking on the phone, I can hear them in my voice, because to call what I'm doing “running” is something of a stretch. I'm definitely going faster than walking. Sorta... a little).

Obviously, I'm fighting the urge to qualify it, to minimize. I'm a beginning jogger. Not beginning in the mental sense, because I've done this before, but it’s been awhile and since I got sick with Lyme disease, not at all. So I know the head space, I have the information, but physically I'm a beginner again- I ain't got much stamina. So I'm taking it very, very, veeeeery easy- starting slow and working up gently.

Hence the qualifications: "I've started a, you know...kinda sorta running program". But I'm tired of downplaying it. An edge is an edge is an edge. I'm pushing my edges physically and that's challenging, whether you're going from not running at all to running at .01399 miles per hour for half a mile, or  working up from 10 miles a day to 15. So I deserve some credit, even if I'm currently moving at the pace of a diseased, aged, 3 legged mole rat for only a few minutes at a time. From where I've been standing (sitting, laying, collapsing), that’s a lot! It’s relative. I'm gonna quit not taking myself seriously. I'm a hardcore beginner. Hear me roar.

I'm calling the posts on running “Fat Girl Running”.  I know people get offended at the word “fat” and that’s why I'm using it-  it’s just a word and I'm tired of all the bad press it’s gotten. Poor "fat"- layoff it already! It’s three little letters put together in a certain way and I don't mind saying “I'm fat”. I mind if I say it meanly. I mind if you say it meanly, but I don't mind it as a descriptive word any more than I mind: curvacious, chubby, plump, round, bodacious, lush... (lush is fun. I like "lush"). It’s time to reclaim “fat" as the benign descriptive word it is. We've all got it. We cannot, in fact, live without it. It's just fat. Relax already.

And “girl”- well, if we haven't yet had this discussion, there isn't a pronoun for what I feel like I am. So mostly, I make do with “girl” or “woman" because that’s what people see when they see D cups. I'm pretty much okay with that since there isn't a preferable alternative. And finally, overall I think “Fat Girl" has more punchy irreverence than “Fat Human”. Girls have definitely, in my opinion, gotten a helluva lot more heat for being fat than boys have, though I know fat boys haven't had an easy time of it either.

I'm sometimes a little self-conscious about being a fat girl running. I imagine people watching me jiggle down the road  and laughing, thinking things like, “Good luck old lady” (not only am I fat, but I'm 48- double dork points) and “don't have a heart attack” and “looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket! Bwahahahaha.... “ (yes, I stole it from Steel Magnolias. I couldn't think of anything better. If you're gonna steal, steal from the masters). Even worse, sometimes I imagine them feeling pity for me, those young firm fit punks driving by in their muscle cars.

The reality is, there’s probably a little of that going on, but not nearly as much as I imagine. Experience has shown me that in my mind, the world is an infinitely crueler place than it is in reality. Thankfully. Most people don't think anything, could care less even. Experience has also shown me that at least a few of those people are thinking, “good for you! Dude, I've been thinking about it for awhile now.... if you can do it, what’s stopping me?” They notice my smile, the little swing in my hips as I run to “Go" by Pearl Jam, they look out at the beautiful day and they wanna be a part of all that. They feel inspired.

And I guarantee you, some older fat person is gonna feel like she has permission. Because I'm taking the leap and embarassing myself in public. And I'm surviving. That’s a wonderful thing to know, that me being willing to flash my humanness to the world can be inspiring. It's not why I'm doing it, but it certainly adds some spicy goodness.

That’s one of the reasons I'm writing about it here: because I'm hoping it might inspire some of you to do something you've been thinking about for awhile, something that lights you up or that at the very least you feel would be good for you to try. It might not be running- maybe it's dancing, swimming, painting, kissing, wearing slinky velvet pants, getting a mohawk (that’s another post for another day), whatever. I promise you that whatever you want to try, there are resources out there available to you to help you do it, there are other people doing it and they are happy to support you doing it. If you're worried about looking silly, well, decide how much you're gonna let other peoples opinions be bars on the windows of the house that is you. Seriously- that’s what it comes down to. There is no end to the amount of juicy privileges and joys that those fears will rob you of.

The new shoes. I promised myself if I stick with it, I'll spring
for a giant upgrade when it's time to get new ones.
(and yeah- they're silver space man shoes. :o})

How do you want to live, feel, love, be; what do you want to do with your one precious life and who's gonna decide how much permission you have? It’s not against the law to run down the street, all 200 pounds of me jigglin and wigglin to Godsmack, puffin and blowin, and causing the earth to tremble as I come (baBOOM ba BOOM). And besides, it makes me feel so. damn. good. to do it. No snarky little punk’s sneer, imagined or otherwise, is gonna keep me from it.

I make a big noise, but the truth is, I say these things because I need to hear them. Often.

Next time you wanna get out on the dance floor and shake your money maker, but your worried about how you’ll look, think about me heading down the back roads of the bottoms outside Arcata, looking like the Pillsbury Dough Girl in a tye dye shirt and a mohawk, with oh-so-sharp-and-comfy new space age joggin shoes, alternately grimacing and smiling like an idiot. Feel free to feel cooler-by-comparison. I don't mind. Just don't tell me about it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman

I was on my way to the Marsh to meet a friend after my run today and there, heading down a busy main street, were two adorable young fattish girls running together. They were absolutely beautiful. My heart sang out, "You GO GIRLS!"  I was completely inspired. Again.

I am in a RUNNING program. Go ME!